I am scared to sing

Too honest?

Singing has been part of my life forever and performing has been a huge piece of my existence and identity for over 10 years. Somehow over the last little while, I have found less enjoyment in performance and a lot of the excitement has been replaced with anxiety. Maybe it’s because I don’t perform as often anymore or maybe I’ve grown a bit more sensitive over the past little while. Singing used to serve as an avenue of therapy for me and I’m slowly learning that as I’ve tried to carve out some type of career surrounding it, the act of singing has become polluted and I feel as though I haven’t been the sole ‘owner’ of my own voice.

Sheesh, how dramatic hey?

This age of social media has changed the world drastically and the expectations around sharing our art have shifted. We are more ‘connected’ than ever yet we live in such isolation from one another. Performance for me used to mean bridging that gap and getting to really feel through song. There are elements of wanting to be heard and understood that have accompanied that desire of connection for sure, but a huge driving factor of stepping on stage for me, has been that need to reconnect and create a safe space for vulnerability. Chasing that intensity has led me to rip myself open every time I perform and become a little too honest, a little too emotional and with the current state of the world, a little too frustrated.

During Vipassana I thought a lot about my choice in trying to find a career in music. I wondered if some of it stemmed from trauma— if I was following the classic artist trope of filling a void with admiration and love from an audience. I admitted to myself that numbers of streams and followers held far too much importance and my comparison brain has been working overtime. After sitting in silence for ten days, the first thing I did when we were allowed to talk was sing. I ran outside and sang with the trees and it felt so freeing and beautiful, there was no one around, my voice could be just mine and there was apprehension present. I realized that I’ve been practicing this muscle for others and have forgotten how to use it for myself. Amongst other big revelations, this has been one of my deepest takeaways from Vipassana. I haven’t done much singing since.

Over the last couple years, I’ve started writing music for other artists, singing backup for other artists, most of my photography has been geared towards the branding of other artists and their projects… I realized that I’ve been finding ways to make my own voice and art smaller and smaller because I have grown scared of being seen and vulnerable. It’s become easier to champion the art of others instead of standing strongly behind my own. I have forgotten how my art used to feel when it was an avenue of of self healing so now, right before I head into the studio to record vocals for a new song, I am sitting on the couch filled with fear again and trying to allow myself to show up as I am in this song that I love while being recorded by a dear friend.

Anyhoo— life is strange and my feelings are forever large. Maybe the astrology girlies have a better explanation for this new anxiety and it’s all just a silly eclipse echo.

See ya on the other side ✌️
A